Somehow, feeling quite down these days.
Don't really know e exact reason why though.
Ain't I weird?
Out of e blue, I start to question myself again.
My capabilities, abilities and so on and so forth.
People have pushed me on to greater height, saying that it's all for my own good.
And I've been climbing and climbing up to the peak, without any rest or time to reflect.
Time and time again, I am thrown into a situation where I have to lead, without any knowledge of how to.
Like the blind leading the blind.
I ask myself over and over again; what make others think that I can do it well enough?
And I've no answer for myself.
Are leaders born or made?
With no sense of direction, I continued to climb to the top, only to reach the peak.
And it all goes downhill from there.
Secondary 4; one of the most difficult and tiring period of my life.
SYF Chinese Dance.
'O' Levels.
Chairperson for 4E.
The most testing period for me.
I really wanted to do a good job for everything that was thrown to me.
Really.
But I didn't.
And to this day, I still blamed myself for not doing a better job at all of these during that one year.
For not being able to get a gold, to not doing as well as I thought I would, to not being able to unite the class.
It break my heart.
And the scar will remain and haunt me even after the memories have faded.
The year that I regretted the most, the 12 months of tears and sweat, I wished to turn back time to start all over again and to tell myself never to repeat the mistakes that I made that year, hoping that things would be better.
But I can't.
And till this day, when someone puts me in a position to lead others, I asked myself: What rights do you have? What makes you think that you can do it?
Yes, its my low self-esteem acting up again.
And I would not dare to lead anymore.
Silence is golden.
Saturday, November 20, 2010
Sunday, October 31, 2010
It's Chinese 'A' Levels tomorrow.
And I'm still here, staring at my computer screen.
Surfing on Facebook, Kpoping and even writing here on my blog.
Somehow, at this moment, I miss NCHS a lot, a lot.
I'm not even studying one-fifth as hard as I did when I was in NCHS going to take 'O' Levels Chinese.
And I wonder if by some miracle, I will be able to score an A for my Chinese 'A'.
I hope I did.
Cause if I didn't, I'm going to retake till the A is mine.
It's my perfectionist personality that's rearing in again.
I passed, survived JC1 and gonna be a JC2 next year.
I really don't know if I should be happy or sad.
On one hand, being a perfectionist, if I happen to fail to get promoted, I would probably be super super upset though I wouldn't show it.
Bad results puts me in a super bad mood.
But on the other hand, it means I have to survive another year of struggles and torture with my academics subjects.
And I wouldn't be free till after 'A' Levels next year.
I can't go to Poly and pursue my dreams too.
And I would have to live through the anxiety of not knowing whether I would swim or sink for the whole year next year.
I came to realise abit too late that I was never cut out to be a mugger.
I take things one step at a time, as it is.
I cannot sit down and actually study for hours.
And I still didn't learnt my lessons during the 'O' Levels period.
The darkest period of time in my sixteen years of life.
Sometimes, I really wonder to myself, what am I doing here.
This isn't e place for me to be.
But as I reflect on how well life has treated me, I realised that everything happens for a reason.
I realised how lucky I am.
And I realised that I should be thankful.
Yes, there are many regrets in my life.
But all are beautiful mistakes that led me to be a wiser person.
So from now on, I shouldn't be having anymore regrets.
It's time for me to realise how grateful I should be and how guilty I am towards my studies.
Passing JC1 promo is by luck; I admit that I did not quite study for it.
Firstly, because I was really really sick.
Secondly, I wasn't in the mood again. =X
It's time for me to get rid of this attitude.
It's time for me to get serious.
It's time for me to start studying hard again.
And I'm still here, staring at my computer screen.
Surfing on Facebook, Kpoping and even writing here on my blog.
Somehow, at this moment, I miss NCHS a lot, a lot.
I'm not even studying one-fifth as hard as I did when I was in NCHS going to take 'O' Levels Chinese.
And I wonder if by some miracle, I will be able to score an A for my Chinese 'A'.
I hope I did.
Cause if I didn't, I'm going to retake till the A is mine.
It's my perfectionist personality that's rearing in again.
I passed, survived JC1 and gonna be a JC2 next year.
I really don't know if I should be happy or sad.
On one hand, being a perfectionist, if I happen to fail to get promoted, I would probably be super super upset though I wouldn't show it.
Bad results puts me in a super bad mood.
But on the other hand, it means I have to survive another year of struggles and torture with my academics subjects.
And I wouldn't be free till after 'A' Levels next year.
I can't go to Poly and pursue my dreams too.
And I would have to live through the anxiety of not knowing whether I would swim or sink for the whole year next year.
I came to realise abit too late that I was never cut out to be a mugger.
I take things one step at a time, as it is.
I cannot sit down and actually study for hours.
And I still didn't learnt my lessons during the 'O' Levels period.
The darkest period of time in my sixteen years of life.
Sometimes, I really wonder to myself, what am I doing here.
This isn't e place for me to be.
But as I reflect on how well life has treated me, I realised that everything happens for a reason.
I realised how lucky I am.
And I realised that I should be thankful.
Yes, there are many regrets in my life.
But all are beautiful mistakes that led me to be a wiser person.
So from now on, I shouldn't be having anymore regrets.
It's time for me to realise how grateful I should be and how guilty I am towards my studies.
Passing JC1 promo is by luck; I admit that I did not quite study for it.
Firstly, because I was really really sick.
Secondly, I wasn't in the mood again. =X
It's time for me to get rid of this attitude.
It's time for me to get serious.
It's time for me to start studying hard again.
Sunday, October 10, 2010
10/10/10
A day that only happen once in a lifetime.
And come to think of it, I lived through 01/01/01, 02/02/02, 03/03/03, 04/04/04, 05/05/05, 06/06/06, 07/07/07, 08/08/08, 09/09/09 and now... 10/10/10.
It is kind of amazing if you think about it.
Cause we're gonna live through 11/11/11 and 12/12/12.
This day, I want to give a special shout out to all my family and friends and every one who happened to cross path with me in my life.
Thank you for being there for me and appearing in my life.
Thank you for tolerating me, my nonsense, and my crap.
Thank you for standing by me through thick and thin, for believing in me and for encouraging me when I was down.
Thank you.
Because of you all, I am who I am today.
And will be who I am tomorrow and the day after tomorrow.
I have never once been able to confess in person how much I appreciated any of you all for standing by me in one way or another.
But trust me; each and every one of you is being truly appreciated by me.
I have never been good at expressing myself, often choosing to thank someone only in my heart or to pen down my feelings in this blog which no one will read.
But that's just the way that I am.
A confession to make:
My initial dream was to be a dancer.
It's a weird dream of mine as few would dare to dream about being one.
And one which I too, eventually gave up.
Being a dancer seemed attractive to me because of the feeling you get when you're dancing.
It's like being in another world; a world that only you and the music exist in.
Dancing gave me the freedom that I never really had.
And it empowers me.
I've always love to perform on stage as you know that your hard work paid off when you hear the applause.
The applause is the greatest gift that a dancer could receive; it is when you know that you're being appreciated.
The excitement that one felt before you step on stage also gave me a sort of adrenaline rush that you cannot feel normally.
That's why dance has always been my love and my passion.
And as I struggle with my studies, struggle to keep myself interested and awake to study academical subjects, I often wonder if one day, I will be able to break free and run far away, to somewhere where no one know who I am and just fulfil whatever dreams that I have.
Maybe someday, I will have to the courage to do so.
But till then, I am stuck with my books.
A day that only happen once in a lifetime.
And come to think of it, I lived through 01/01/01, 02/02/02, 03/03/03, 04/04/04, 05/05/05, 06/06/06, 07/07/07, 08/08/08, 09/09/09 and now... 10/10/10.
It is kind of amazing if you think about it.
Cause we're gonna live through 11/11/11 and 12/12/12.
This day, I want to give a special shout out to all my family and friends and every one who happened to cross path with me in my life.
Thank you for being there for me and appearing in my life.
Thank you for tolerating me, my nonsense, and my crap.
Thank you for standing by me through thick and thin, for believing in me and for encouraging me when I was down.
Thank you.
Because of you all, I am who I am today.
And will be who I am tomorrow and the day after tomorrow.
I have never once been able to confess in person how much I appreciated any of you all for standing by me in one way or another.
But trust me; each and every one of you is being truly appreciated by me.
I have never been good at expressing myself, often choosing to thank someone only in my heart or to pen down my feelings in this blog which no one will read.
But that's just the way that I am.
A confession to make:
My initial dream was to be a dancer.
It's a weird dream of mine as few would dare to dream about being one.
And one which I too, eventually gave up.
Being a dancer seemed attractive to me because of the feeling you get when you're dancing.
It's like being in another world; a world that only you and the music exist in.
Dancing gave me the freedom that I never really had.
And it empowers me.
I've always love to perform on stage as you know that your hard work paid off when you hear the applause.
The applause is the greatest gift that a dancer could receive; it is when you know that you're being appreciated.
The excitement that one felt before you step on stage also gave me a sort of adrenaline rush that you cannot feel normally.
That's why dance has always been my love and my passion.
And as I struggle with my studies, struggle to keep myself interested and awake to study academical subjects, I often wonder if one day, I will be able to break free and run far away, to somewhere where no one know who I am and just fulfil whatever dreams that I have.
Maybe someday, I will have to the courage to do so.
But till then, I am stuck with my books.
Tuesday, October 5, 2010
Promotional exams just started.
And I need to pass badly.
Cause I have finally decided to stay on in JC and work hard for another one year.
Work hard first, play even harder after A levels.
I wanna try travelling for a month after A levels. Alone.
Wonder if I am able to persuade my parents to let me to do so. Ohh well.
But I just wanna get away from Singapore and try some fun and exciting stuff by myself.
Like bungee jumping. =D
Really wanna have a taste of freedom too, with no one to care about me, no one who knows me.
Who knows, I might just suddenly pack up and leave Singapore for a month without anyone, except my family, knowing to go backpacking in Europe.
A girl can dream right? Heehees. =)
Two nice quotes to share today:
"All you need is already within you, only you must approach your self with reverence and love. Self-condemnation and self-distrust are grievous errors. Your constant flight from pain and search for pleasure is a sign of love you bear for your self, all I plead with you is this: make love of your self perfect. Deny yourself nothing -- glue your self infinity and eternity and discover that you do not need them; you are beyond".
---Nisargadatta Maharaj
"Opportunity: A favorable occasion for grasping a disappointment."
---Ambrose Bierce
And I need to pass badly.
Cause I have finally decided to stay on in JC and work hard for another one year.
Work hard first, play even harder after A levels.
I wanna try travelling for a month after A levels. Alone.
Wonder if I am able to persuade my parents to let me to do so. Ohh well.
But I just wanna get away from Singapore and try some fun and exciting stuff by myself.
Like bungee jumping. =D
Really wanna have a taste of freedom too, with no one to care about me, no one who knows me.
Who knows, I might just suddenly pack up and leave Singapore for a month without anyone, except my family, knowing to go backpacking in Europe.
A girl can dream right? Heehees. =)
Two nice quotes to share today:
"All you need is already within you, only you must approach your self with reverence and love. Self-condemnation and self-distrust are grievous errors. Your constant flight from pain and search for pleasure is a sign of love you bear for your self, all I plead with you is this: make love of your self perfect. Deny yourself nothing -- glue your self infinity and eternity and discover that you do not need them; you are beyond".
---Nisargadatta Maharaj
"Opportunity: A favorable occasion for grasping a disappointment."
---Ambrose Bierce
Tuesday, September 14, 2010
A Night to Remember
Dear Devils,
Thank You for all the wonderful memories.
9 September 2010 was a night that made me reminisce the past.
Yet, I went back with fresh and new memories and I believe that more will come along the way as we dance our way through life.
Honestly, I miss you all like crazy. (Not only just the four of us but also yh and sx.)
I miss dancing with you all, talking with you all and the thing I miss the most would be the laughter that we share.
Only with you all am I able to be at ease to be completely 100% me.
Without the encouragement and support that you guys have given me, I would not have come so far.
JC life might be difficult and arduous but let's all try our best and don't give up.
Someday, we would have the chance to dance together again.
Someday, ALL of us would be able to meet up and catch up and dance together as one again.
I love my devils.
9 September 2010.
Though this date might seem insignificant to others, this day, in year 2010, it was filled with memories.
Though we might not be able to dance together, being able to watch Step Up 3 3D was equally satisfying even though it might not be the same.
As usual, I was late in meeting you all. (Keekees. Pigs will fly when I am early right?)
Went to shop for an early present.
After that, we catched the movie and bought food that can be takeaway easily and train down to
Marina Bay because ky wants to see the night scene there.
Upon reaching there, we sat at the steps at the Singapore River and the breath-taking night scene rendered me speechless.
The lights from the buildings in the city area lit up across the bay was like the twinkling night stars that always seem to be so far away.
The lights added colours to the pitch black surroundings around it and doused the calm waters with an array of colours.
It is a night spot for couples and somehow, with our loud voices, I think we scared off a couple or two. (I am so sorry! Heehees.)
We sat there talking about our life and stuff as we enjoyed our food while basking in the beauty of the scenery whereby thereafter, we took some photos.
And as we walked back to the MRT, we walked the DNA Bridge and took more photos, while laughing hard when ky's camera kept taking blurry photos of us before we decide to take with wz's phone instead. (Oh ya, insert the jokes here. =D)
The long journey back home was make shorten as we chat before we finally parted ways at Serangoon MRT. (Yea, remember the jokes? My house. -.-)
But yupp, definitely, it was a night to remember indeed.
<3<3 DEVILRINAS 09092010
Monday, September 13, 2010
YAY!!
Received an email that made my day today!
It has also become a source of motivation to make me study even harder as of today!
I got into the EU Trip!
Heehees. Get to go Europe, mainly Brussels I think.
Ehmagod, still can't believe that I managed to get in. =DD
This trip is quite exclusive so I am like super happy. =DD
YAY!
Of course, hard work comes next.
Beside studying hard to ensure that wouldn't get retained, I need to make sure that I am not late for school as I cannot get suspended.
And I need to start doing research for this trip. =)
Off to study now.
Study hard, everyone. =)
Received an email that made my day today!
It has also become a source of motivation to make me study even harder as of today!
I got into the EU Trip!
Heehees. Get to go Europe, mainly Brussels I think.
Ehmagod, still can't believe that I managed to get in. =DD
This trip is quite exclusive so I am like super happy. =DD
YAY!
Of course, hard work comes next.
Beside studying hard to ensure that wouldn't get retained, I need to make sure that I am not late for school as I cannot get suspended.
And I need to start doing research for this trip. =)
Off to study now.
Study hard, everyone. =)
Sunday, September 12, 2010
Oh my, time does indeed fly.
Today is the last day of my one week holiday.
And I regretted not studying at all this holiday. (Don't we all?)
Been kpoping this whole one week and I guess I have to stop.
Time to start some serious studying right?
Sigh. But I think I am hooked on kpop.
Been watching those reality shows and stuffs non-stop this whole week.
I've also been wishing hard about being able to speak Korean. (Do I sound crazy of what?)
It's my dream to visit Korea and maybe someday, join the media industry there..
My CA2 results were surprisingly alright.
Surprisingly as I have not been studying at all and this had caused waves of guilt and remorse to flush over me.
Surprisingly as during the period of my CA2, I wasn't in the mood to study at all due to various reasons.
I don't really deserve this result.
Though it's not exactly awesome, I should have been failing most of my exams but I managed to improve from mid years.
I was quite shocked and this made me felt determined to study hard for this promos and see how things turn out.
Yea, I should probably start studying now and hope for the best right? =D
Today is the last day of my one week holiday.
And I regretted not studying at all this holiday. (Don't we all?)
Been kpoping this whole one week and I guess I have to stop.
Time to start some serious studying right?
Sigh. But I think I am hooked on kpop.
Been watching those reality shows and stuffs non-stop this whole week.
I've also been wishing hard about being able to speak Korean. (Do I sound crazy of what?)
It's my dream to visit Korea and maybe someday, join the media industry there..
My CA2 results were surprisingly alright.
Surprisingly as I have not been studying at all and this had caused waves of guilt and remorse to flush over me.
Surprisingly as during the period of my CA2, I wasn't in the mood to study at all due to various reasons.
I don't really deserve this result.
Though it's not exactly awesome, I should have been failing most of my exams but I managed to improve from mid years.
I was quite shocked and this made me felt determined to study hard for this promos and see how things turn out.
Yea, I should probably start studying now and hope for the best right? =D
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