REFLECTION

It has been around three months since I last blog.
I think I am gonna go back to blogging at least once a week regardless of whether anyone would even bother to read this old stupid blog of mine.
Cause at least its a place where i can vent out all those frustrated feelings cooped inside of me out.

Just had my Chinese oral today and I think I am gonna fail it.
Really miss e Chinese lessons in NCHS.
It was so much better there.
At least I could safely say that I wouldn't do badly for my Chinese 'O' then.
But here, there isn't any safety net casted out for us.
No one to rely on, no preparation done, no intensive practise.
I had nothing, nothing except myself to depend on for this oral exam.
And I left the examination hall feeling nothing but dejected and disappointed.
I was on the verge of crying but I controlled it.
And these past few months have toughen me up and left me with no more emotions.
How I wish that I can at least cry out loud and feel much better after it.

As I study Amy's View, one character stood out especially for me.
Esme, a woman who still live in the past and refuse to accept change.
Many a times, I wondered if I am like her.
The refusal to move on.
Yet, as realisation dawn on me, I realised that I don't live in the past.
In fact, I love change.
But, the past comes back and haunt me every other day.
Dance, the love of my life.
Yet, I only completely love dance when I am dancing with my beloved devilrinas.
Without them, the dance studio held no warmth.
Without them, dance isn't as fun.
Without them, I don't belong.
It wasn't just that I miss my dancers.
It's also cause I still can't find my bearing in dance.
Ever felt left out and alone though your surrounded by a lot of people?
Yea, that's how I felt there now.
I love dance till e extent that I miss dance if I don't dance for one day.
But, the joy when I finally get to dance faded, to be replace by emo-ness and sadness every time I step out of the dance studio at the end of the day.
And it isn't because I miss dance.
The reason that I am still staying is because I love dance too much to give up on it.
The thought of leaving crossed my mind repeatedly, over and over again.
And I wonder if anyone will even realise when I am no longer there.
I doubt so.
That's how insignificant I am in this world.

After so many months, I finally gathered all my courage up to talk to you again.
Yet, silence greeted me at the other end, leaving me to ponder whether once something is lost, it can never come back again.
Friendship; something which drew me in but always leaving me hurt and lost.
Time and time again, I suffered under the hands of it.
It often make me wonder if all that effort and time I put in is worth it.
I still believe that it is.
Every friendship is valuable to me, even if you might not think so.
I ain't good at expressing my emotions and stuff but yea, friendship is something that I still seek and treasure every single day.
And I will wait till e day you decide to forgive me.

Till I can leave all of these behind, I am gonna hate and wouldn't be able to forgive myself.